Does it fit?

A few months into lockdown a friend mentioned she was going to clean out her closet.  

Smugly I retorted, "I think I've done that twice already." 

"Maybe you have, but not like this." And she explained. "I am going to pick something from the back of my closet or the bottom of my drawer. Things that I keep holding onto but I have not worn in ages.  I am going to wear it all damn day! If it is too tight, too loose, missing a button, or needs tailoring, I will know it by the end of the day. At which time I will assess. How did it fit? Does the style speak to who I am now? If it did not fit or feel right, I’ll take a moment, thank the item for the good times we had and prepare it for its new life. Or… I’ll add it to my rotation.”

Wear something uncomfortable all day?

A brilliant plot twist to the Maire Kondo Method! (Note: Marie Kondo is an organizing consultant and author of popular books about organizing including my favorite, Spark Joy.) 

It got me thinking.  

As a life coach I see myself offering my clients a similar opportunity. Except I work in stories, not clothes. You see, I guide people to try on their stories, wear them in the safety of our space together and bring an awareness to the fit and style relative to their current environment or the who they wish to become. Does the story still fit? Is it too tight? Too loose? Is it outdated? No longer in style?

Perhaps an example would help. 

One of my clients, let's call him Fred, was fast tracked into the role of Manager for the team of 6 that he used to be a member of. He admitted his dedication, availability, and willingness to do anything anyone asked was partly why he got promoted. He laughingly shared that his previous boss said he did the work of many and was able to eat whatever was put in front of him. Transitioning into the new role was not going smoothly. Requests from his old job followed him to his new one and piled on top of his new managerial responsibilities. He couldn’t say no and he felt physically and mentally exhausted. 

By the middle of our first session he realized he was "eating too much and becoming resentful". In that same session he was able to define an old familiar story. To feel valued I must do everything I am asked to do.  When I asked how he felt as he shared his story, he opened his arms wide and said "I feel stuffed full. Like I can barely breathe. You know that feeling you get after Thanksgiving dinner and you just want to unbutton your jeans and lay on the couch and go to sleep?" 

Honestly, I love my job. It delights me when someone is able to grasp a metaphor that so perfectly describes what they are experiencing. 

As humans we live by stories.

Some stories are old and may no longer fit our environment but we wrap ourselves around them like an old sweater.  Narrative Coaching, a method I have studied with Dr. David Drake at The Moment Institute, helps us understand when old stories might not be serving us and offers us the opportunity to experience trying on a new narrative that does. 

Understanding how old stories play into our current environment is the first step. The second is having a safe place to try on new stories with full agency and awareness. During our sessions you get to walk around in them, without judgement. I act as a mirror, where you can see yourself in this new way, get comfortable in it before wearing it into the world.

Fred's old story no longer fit the way he wanted to be in life. Helpful, able to set boundaries and consume only what he needs. It took a few sessions for him to author a new story that he felt confident he would wear at work. Plot twist? For sure. Now, when he is asked to do things from his previous position he uses it as an opportunity to introduce the requestor to one of his team members. He has become highly valued as a mentor and is a leader of a very productive team.

A coaching relationship can offer the dressing room to strip off the armor you may be hiding behind so you can dress in the style and fit that suits the you right now.

How do your stories fit? Looking to clean out your closet?

I'm ready when you are.