Life is difficult.
I was recently inspired to pick up the classic book by M. Scott Peck, “The Road Less Traveled”. I first read this book in my 20’s. Clearly my highlights and notes were generated from a version of my Self who had not really experienced the level of suffering that would come later when that version of Self needed the wisdom of Mr. Peck to shine a light in the darkness.
Better late than never, right?
Mr. Peck wrote this book in 1978. Suffering is a really hard road to travel down. A road that requires one to dig deep, empty all the skeletons out of the closet, understand fears and old stories that we bring into everything we do. This suffering does not happen to us, it happens because of us.
As human beings we are not magically protected from pain and suffering. (If you think you are one, or know one, I would love to connect.) Life is more like Adam Levine describes in his song Lost Stars…
“We are all just lost stars trying to light up the dark.”
(Side note, I have had a tiny crush on Mr. Levine ever since I saw the movie "Begin Again”. This version of him singing “Lost Stars” from the soundtrack… just melts me. (His co-star Keira Knightley’s version is worth a watch also.)
Life is about being lost. Life is about feeling the pain. Living is suffering. It is up to us to find the lessons in all of that muck. Learn so that we can light up our own darkness.
“Who are we? Just a speck of dust within the galaxy.”
“Woe is me, if we’re not careful turns into reality.”
Staying stuck in our pain, holding in the woe is me, silently suffering, is just a recipe for, well, more suffering. Oh, we can try to ignore these lessons life presents to us. We can use those numbing methods – alcohol, marijuana, exercise, or maybe we eat our feelings, using food as our drug of choice. Addictions are masks that cover our pain. Complaining is a mask. Ignoring is a mask. Blaming is a mask.
“Turn the page maybe we’ll find a brand new ending where we’re dancing in our tears.”
You can dance in your tears. Get to a point where you actually find some joy in your pain. You must first walk the Road.
How?
Mr. Scott suggests the key to moving beyond our pain is the concept of discipline. He describes four tools of discipline.
Delaying Gratification – This is the process of meeting and experiencing the pain. You see, we can’t numb it. It will not go away until we address it head on.
Accept Responsibility - Admitting this is my problem and it is up to me to solve it.
Dedication to Truth. - Truth is reality. Mr. Peck suggests the more clearly we see the reality of the world, the better equipped we are to deal with the world.
Balancing. To be free people we must assume total responsibility for ourselves, while also letting go of responsibility that is not truly ours.
“Our view of reality is like a map with which to negotiate the terrain of life. If the map is true and accurate, we will generally know where we are, and if we have decided where we want to go, we will generally know how to get there. If the map is false and inaccurate, we will generally be lost.”
This is a lot to think about. Dealing with our darkness requires time and dedication and it is not meant to be done in the vacuum of you. The road is easier when you have help from others.
My reading of The Road Less Travelled was in the darkness of the ending of my 25-year marriage. I felt the road was ripped out from beneath me. Alone on a road I could no longer see. I was numb and numbing myself.
Completely out of character, on a whim I went skydiving with my sons. (Confirmation I was numb). Jumping out of the plane required surrendering. Letting go. Something inside me shifted. In the weeks following I began facing the pain and taking responsibility. With the help of friends and family, therapists, support groups and a ridiculous amount of self-reflection, I began honing my these very discipline tools that Mr. Peck writes about. I moved past the numbing. With the help of others, I have crawled, stumbled and at times even walked down the Road less travelled.
A year later I went sky-diving again. The second time I was jumping into my new life. One where I have accepted whatever it brings. Knowing it is worth living. Worth fully feeling and with complete discipline. Understanding this road less travelled is a journey worth taking.
“We are all just lost stars trying to light up the dark.”
Take a deep, vulnerable walk down the Road. Your Road. I believe with every cell in my body that there will be a sea of love at the end of it.