Change is good... you go first.
“After a great blow, or crisis, after the first shock and then after the nerves have stopped screaming and twitching, you settle down to the new condition of things.... You adjust yourself, and are sure that the new equilibrium is for eternity… But if anything is certain, it is that no story is ever over, for the story which we think is over is only a chapter in a story which will never be over…”
Robert Penn Warren
We each hold a vision, explicit or subconscious, of how we expect our life to unfold. But what do we do when the unexpected arrives? And why is it that we think life is going to roll forward without change?
Change, in its endless forms, is inevitable. Some change is tragic – 9/11, Boston marathon bombing, death, a horrible accident. Some change is emotional – a breakup of a marriage, betrayal, health challenges, job loss. And some changes are global – global warming, cell phones, Facebook, a pandemic flu.
Maybe the focus should not be on change itself? Instead maybe we should focus on how we manage change when it does show up. To cope with change is difficult and a bit messy, but it can be done. I am living proof that it most certainly can be done.
The word change means to make or become different. You may have heard the wisdom that unfortunate events are opportunities for new beginnings. Wether we like it or not, that is the case. I see change as the gateway to growth. Transformation is only even possible because of the change. Transformation happens not when something new begins, but when something old falls apart.
Change without transformation risks re-living negative patterns over and over. Even reinforcing them by repetition. Change with transformation allows us to grow from the experience.
What can we do to cope with change and set us up for transformation? It is my experience there are three separate passageways to be explored. They are grief, resilience and growth. From the words of Michael Rosen in his book We’re Going on a Bear Hunt, “You can’t go over it. You can’t go under it. You must go through it.” Through each passageway. There are no shortcuts.
The passageway of grief.
Change, even positive change, involves a surprising amount of loss. Grief is the emotion that allows us to honor what is lost as a result of change. As a way of processing it is important to give ourselves permission to experience the different stages of grief.
In her book, On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief through the Five Stages of Loss, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross gives us language we can use to identify our different responses to loss. She takes us through five stages, denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance. These stages offer a framework to help us live with and process what we have lost. Please note that grief is not a linear process and there is no typical response. In fact, we may bounce from one stage to another minute by minute. What is important is that we healthily process our grief and acknowledge the feelings we experience as a result.
Here are the five stages and a brief summary of each.
Denial
In the face of change our world becomes meaningless and feels overwhelming. Life seems to make no sense and it is a struggle to get through the day. Denial helps us to cope by letting in only as much as we can handle. One day at a time. As time passes we begin to accept the reality of the loss. As we become stronger the feelings that we denied will begin to surface slowly giving us time to process.
Anger
Feeling anger in the face of loss can be rattling. Anger is an emotion we are taught to keep in check. However, only in our ability to feel it will it begin to dissipate. When you get angry it gives temporary structure to the loss. This structure offers connection, something to grip onto. Anger comes from a place of love for what no longer is.
Bargaining
A temporary truce. We want our life returned to how it was. Guilt is often a companion to bargaining as we try to negotiate our way out of our pain.
Depression
In our culture we are taught that depression after loss should be fixed, something to snap out of or take medication for. When people have bouts of sadness, isolation or hopelessness that come and go based on circumstances, it is called situational depression. Situational depression is a type of adjustment disorder that can make everyday life difficult following a traumatic event. When you begin to fully realize and understand the finality of the loss it may very well be depressing and depression is a normal and appropriate response. This understanding is a necessary step in the process of healing. However, depression can become dangerous and please seek medical attention if symptoms last for most of the day, nearly every day, for more than two weeks.
Acceptance
It is in this stage that we accept our new reality. Acceptance can sometimes be confused with an attitude of “it’s all good”. This is not the idea. We may never like our new reality, but eventually, we learn to live with it.
Grieve. Feel. Honor what was lost. Doing so will allow you to move forward to the next passageway.
The passageway of resilience is where we find “the capacity to adapt well to change and bounce forward into opportunity.” Those are the words of Dr. Maria Sirois, a thought leader in the areas of resilience and grief. It was from Dr. Sirois in the training, Certificate in Positive Psychology, that I learned the three swords of resilience.
Avoid thinking traps. This includes catastrophizing about the future, and ruminating about the past. Mindfulness invites us to stay in the present moment. Try apps like Headspace or Insight Timer to get you into a mindfulness practice.
Identify your strengths. When we discover our greatest strengths, and learn to use them to handle stress and life challenges we build a sense of self worth and positive self regard. Don’t know your strengths? No problem, go to the Via Character site and take the free survey.
Connect with others. Determine those people in your life that you can turn to for support, and those who are able to support your growth. Some people may play both roles and others only capable of one of the other.
After experiencing significant change we come out the other side different. How different has so much to do with how resilient we are. Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., an expert on stress and the mind-body connection reminds us that resilience can be learned. She offers five tools to strengthen our resilient muscle.
Be a realist. Face things head on with your eyes and heart wide open. It is not helpful to your or those around you to stick your head in the sand or feign ignorance.
Make meaning. We are meaning making animals. Hard times require you to have faith that life is meaningful and good. Having a gratitude practice is a beautiful way to register meaning.
Be radically creative. Think outside the box. Know that you can’t do what you have always done. Be curious and imaginative. Mindfulness helps us appreciate what we do. Through that appreciation resilience rises, allowing new ideas to take shape.
Gather social support. Find others to communicate with and share where you are in this moment. (Don’t forget therapists, support groups and other avenues of social support.)
Inject humor in the absurd. Humor has the power to lift us out of the limits of our own thinking. It expands our horizons.
The passageways of grief and resilience prepare us for growth. Dr. Borseynko, has a model of growth described by some as “purgatory vs paradise”.
It starts at the point we experience change. The distinct moment when we realize that nothing will ever be the same. We step into the inferno. Next, we slide into the darkness of hell. In this purgatory we are separated from life as usual. The place between no longer and not yet. From there we can only rise. Rising is a choice we must make that is full of more choices. The choice to move forward. The choice to process grief. The choice to build resilience. The choice to accept and process change. The choice to work for paradise.
It is here we find happiness. Dr. Borysenko’s model is called The Arc of a Smile.
I have lived this model multiple times. My experience compels me to differ with Dr. Borysenko on one note. I think of the growth process more like a swing than a smile. Life is full of change. We go back and forth from inferno to paradise. The power of resilience, the process of grief – these are the things that allow us to move with ease, lighting up the soles of our feet as they reach for the sky.
“I live in the space between chaos and shape. I walk the line that continually threatens to lose its tautness under me, dropping me into the dark pit where there is no meaning. At other times the line is so wired that it lights up the soles of my feet, gradually my whole body, until I am my own beacon, and I see then the beauty of newly created worlds, a form that is not random. A new beginning.”
Jeanette Winterson