Knowledge is Power

Recently a friend shared a conversation she had with her 5 year-old grandson.  She was walking with him to the park and he announced he was afraid of the dark.  “Really? Tell me more.” Out tumbled the rest of his problem. “Cody thinks I am a baby and calls me a fraidy cat. He teases me and shuts the lights off and laughs when I totally freak out.”

At this point my friend stopped walking. She knelt down in front of him and said “Of course you are afraid of the dark. When you are afraid it means your body is trying to help you. Fear is saying I Need More Information!  Can you think of things we could do to help you understand the dark?”  

Later that evening she took him on a tour of his room inviting him to notice where things were. Bookcase to the left. Toy truck on the floor. Then they shut the lights off and they walked around. She “tripped” over the toy car and he said, “It’s okay GG, that was the truck. Remember?” That night he was less afraid of the dark. He also felt empowered to share with his big brother it was okay to be afraid of the dark and he explained why.

Now. That story is cute right?  It made me sad.  My younger son used to be afraid of the dark. He believed monsters came out in the dark.  I thought the solution was to put colored water in a spray bottle and encourage him to spray the magic protection. In my infinite parental wisdom I told him no monsters could enter now that he sprayed the magic potion.

Jiminy crickets!  

What my son needed in that moment was permission to feel and an invitation to understand that feelings were actually his body trying to tell him something and that he had power within himself to respond to the world around him.

Argh.

I can’t go back in time.  My sons are young adults and we now have lots of conversations around the topic of emotions, probably more than they would like.  My original understanding of emotions came from a home and a culture where emotions were not shown, they were stuffed inside.  I’ve learned as an adult stuffing emotions does not mean they go away, instead they surface in a multitude of different ways. Not always pretty.  I have acquired new knowledge about expressing emotions and live more freely from this place.

Knowledge is power.  A key element of emotional resilience is the ability to express our emotions wisely. By that I mean you are in control of the emotion, the emotion is not in control of you.  

The catalyst that launches us toward emotional resilience is the magical power of the pause. Learning to stop for a hot second, feel our feet on the ground, and take a deep breath during an emotional moment. STOP WAIT WAVE is an invitation at every crosswalk in the beautiful coastal town of Rockland, Maine. When we are able to stop and wait, we are able to wave to the world around us. This moment of rest brings an awareness, an opportunity to respond to life vs react, or get run over by it.

STOP

Is this an old, recycled emotion I am familiar with? Is it something new?  

WAIT

What is it telling me about my current environment?  

WAVE

How can I choose to respond from the data I have collected?

All day we are barraged by experiences that elicit both positive and negative emotions within us. Neither are good or bad. Both are necessary and together help us navigate the world we spin in.

Negative emotions are like canaries in the coal mine of our own being. They are warnings that protect us. Fear tells us we need more information. Guilt may be saying, hey sweetie, this is violating your ethics code. Anger sends a rush of blood announcing watch out, you are being infringed upon, prepare to defend things or people you care about. Disgust shouts hold on! there is something toxic, morally or biologically, that you don’t want to be poisoned by.

Emotions have data to share, if we take a moment to become aware.

Positive emotions are tiny wings of understanding. When we feel joy it is an emotional all clear that things are going well. Interest sparks curiosity and broadens our awareness of choice and options. In fact, there are two words that one can string together that both buys a moment to collect ourselves and has the potential to turn a challenging situation into a positive one.

I’m curious...

I’m curious. This phrase is the grand equalizer. It puts both you and the person you are in relationship with in a moment of possibility. Even in the stickiest situations. Give it a try.

Marc Brackett, from the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, tells us if we feel positive emotions like confidence, optimism, curiosity and contentment, we will come to a very different conclusion about what we ought to do versus when our emotions are covered in shame, fear, or anger. The decision will be quite different even though we are working from the same set of facts.

The decision will be quite different even though we are working from the same set of facts! 

Emotional resilience is crucial in the world of you and the world around you. We need a whole lot of understanding to get used to one another again. To be able to sit on trains, at restaurants and in our shared workplace.

If you are struggling with your emotions and feeling exhausted reacting to life around you, join me in a self-directed adult learning course about emotions. Although I have named the course, Learning to Live Positively, it is really about reclaiming a sense of personal freedom. When we as individuals feel we have choice and a sense of freedom, we can positively influence the circles we exist in. We each have a responsibility to make this world a better place. And we each have the ability.

Knowledge is power. Gather and go strongly. 👋