Type C? Oh my. That is totally Me!
Have you ever filled out a personality test?
Maybe it was in a magazine while in the waiting room of the doctors office or online? Well, you’re not alone.
The plethora of options range from the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, to finding your Color Code Personality to determining which Harry Potter character you align with. There is something so scintillating about going through the process of "typing" ourselves. Following the lines of questioning and waiting for the big reveal.
“We want validation, the feeling of belonging, of being seen. Most of all, we enjoy learning more about ourselves. ”
While it is fun to match personality traits with Hermione or Harry Potter, the more scientific, research-backed methods of describing personality can provide us with new information that can be used as a catalyst for change.
Putting things in boxes help us organize. Wether we are preparing for a move or aim for more efficiency in a closet. Personality tests organize humans into boxes. This is not to punish or limit their complexity or possibility. It is merely awareness. An awareness that opens a lens in which to view our lives that we did not have before.
A few years ago I faced the difficult task of packing up 25 years of living. Using a multitude of boxes I sorted my life's paper trail. Bank statements, letters, important documents, cards, photos. Each item somehow validated my existence at a time that I was desperately trying to make sense of my place in the world. A time I did not feel like I belonged anywhere. I packed in these boxes all my regrets, confusion and the verification that told me I did indeed exist. Then, I dragged those boxes with me everywhere I went.
Until I found a path that helped me make sense of me.
The journey was as simple as A, B, C...
Type A and Type B personality types, maybe you have heard of them. Most of us have. I'm curious, when you read those words: Type A, Type B, do you place yourself in one of those boxes? I never could, a fact that always irked me. Where does one fit if they don't exhibit competitiveness or have a driven, even workaholic nature; where do we belong if we don’t qualify as laidback and flexible? I was looking for my box. You can only imagine my surprise when I stumbled upon a list of traits belonging to a Type C personality.
Controlled (I wonder why this is not written as “Controlling”?)
Cooperative
Conflict resistant
Tendency to deny or avoid emotion
People pleaser
Let others have their way to facilitate harmony or be liked
The list went on, but I did not need to keep reading. My head was spinning with validation. "Type C. That is totally me."
My discovery of the next letter in the personality alphabet was further explored in a book called The Type C Connection: The Behavioral Links to Cancer and Your Health. As a cancer survivor, the very idea that there was a connection between behavior patterns and cancer made complete sense to me. Dis-ease is a cocktail, it is the mixture of outside environment, as well as our internal environment. Our internal ecosystem includes mental, psychosocial, physiological, psychological and ancestral in the form of our very own DNA.
My cancer found me in the eleventh month of a year long yoga teacher training course. I was in the best physical shape I had ever been in and yet inside me grew a cancerous tumor that spilled into my lymph nodes before finally being diagnosed. This always confused me. At one point my doctor even said I was "a healthy young woman with the exception of cancer." What he meant was I was physically healthy, on the outside. Inside was a bit of a shit show, but only I knew that and I was pretty skilled at keeping it that way.
Back to Type A, B and C.
Up to this point Type A and Type B personality types have held the limelight. Type C may not be as well known, but fun fact, it was identified by Dr. Lydia Temoshok around the same time as Friedman and Rosenman determined Type A and B. That was in the late 1970's! In one of Temoshok’s early research studies she intentionally used the same questions Friedman and Rosenman used in their research, instead asking them to a group of patients in a Melanoma Clinic at the University of California, San Francisco. She was invited there by oncologist Dr. Richard Sagebiel who observed "a strange pattern of stress and coping" among his patients. He and his colleagues noticed many patients handled the stress in their lives, and the stress from their illness in an "emotionally flat" kind of way. The melanoma patients responded to the questions from the opposite end of the spectrum of Type A responses and no where near Type B answers. There was no anger or frustration; there was no healthy emoting. Instead, there was a devotion to others, a need of acceptance. Their answers, noted Temoshok, seemed out of touch with their primary needs and emotions. They exhibited more concern about their loved ones than themselves.
This was the beginning of a great body of work for Dr. Temoshok. A body of work that helps us understand Type C people may have trouble opening up emotionally and expressing needs. More importantly these coping styles can effect one's immune system making them prone to cancer. In a similar way that Type A copers are prone to cardiac issues.
Personality Type vs Coping Style
Let's talk for a moment about the difference between personality type and coping styles. As humans, every one of us will experience some form of stress in our daily lives. We form our own unique ways to respond to stress. In many ways these our styles of coping are formed at a very young age and we carry them into adulthood. Most of the time stress represents a normal, necessary and unavoidable life phenomenon that can generate temporary discomfort, as well as long-term consequences. Scientific research has confirmed the concepts of personality are an important factor in identifying, responding and approaching stressful events. Personality traits are a way to prepare for thinking or acting in a similar style in response to a variety of different stimuli or situations.
Coping on the other hand is a regulatory process that can reduce the negative feelings resulting from stressful events. Coping is like the changing of thoughts and actions to manage the external and/or internal demands for a stressful event. Healthy coping is a dynamic process that fluctuates over time in response to changing demands and appraisals of the situation. Personality traits can predict coping style and they may also influence the coping style we choose to use or we are used to choosing.
Researchers Lazarus and Folkman defined coping as ‘‘constantly changing cognitive and behavioral efforts to manage specific external and/ or internal demands that are appraised as taxing or exceeding the resources of the person’’. Said another way we can and should change our way of coping to align with our current environment. However, we often react to life with old, habitual, maladaptive ways of coping.
Discover your coping style.
There are many coping styles, and some may prove more effective than others, depending on the nature of the stressful situation and the person who is employing them. Ineffective coping mechanisms, also referred to as maladaptive coping, are often applied to stressful events or internal conflict, unconsciously. Bottom line is maladaptive coping mechanisms are counterproductive, they effect our wellbeing. Dr. Temoshok prefers to use the term Type C Coping vs Type C Personality and I agree with her thought process. Coping styles can be changed where as traits are sometimes seen as a more permanent part of our being.
Personality, coping, both are complex. Thanks to the extraordinary breakthroughs in science, in particular neuroscience, we know that humans can create new paths in our brain to think and be different versions of ourselves. We can "teach an old dog new tricks", we don't have to settle with "it is what it is". We have other levers we can pull as participants in our own health and wellbeing. Updating the way we cope with stress in our world is one of those levers. Our immune system depends on it.
To get more insight, specifically around Type C Coping, I invite you to review the questions below and see if they resonate.
But before you do, take a breath.
This exercise is not meant to pigeonhole you into a box, it is to help you learn more about yourself and give you the opportunity to change ways of being that no longer serve you.
Do I try my best to help others, even if it has a negative impact on my work, mood, or well-being?
Do I research and consider my decisions (and the possible outcomes) carefully before taking action?
Do I get frustrated when I have to work with other people — both because I prefer solitude and believe I can do a better job alone?
Do I have trouble with self-control when stressed?
Do I tend to keep quiet about minor annoyances and privately stew over them?
Is it important to me that everyone gets along?
Do I like to spend a lot of time researching new topics and ideas?
Do I work hard to achieve my goals?
Do I have a hard time expressing my needs and feelings?
Does this inability to say what I want make me feel frustrated or helpless?
In Dr. Temoshok's book she provides additional questions that offer a view of Type C Coping in relationships.
Do I try to perceive how this person wants me to behave, and then behave that way?
Am I often afraid of behaving in ways that this person will find unacceptable?
Do I suppress my real needs with this person?
Do I express needs with this person, but find myself constantly frustrated by him or her?
Am I frightened of expressing anger, fear, or sadness with this person?
Do I take care of this person to a large extent?
Is his or her love and approval dependent on my caretaking?
Is his or her love and approval dependent on my obedience?
Do I feel victimized by this person?
Is my sense of self-love and self-confidence dependent on the approval of this person or of my supervisor(s) at work?
Answering yes to most (or all) of the questions above suggests you align fairly well with the generally agreed-upon definition of a Type C.
Permission to be human.
We all have flaws and areas that could use some development. Learning to recognize the ways of being that no longer serve us can make it easier to address them and take steps toward improvement. Here are some things you can do to help with transform Type C coping to better serve you, your health and wellbeing.
Express Yourself
James Pennebaker a Psychologist at Southern Methodist University conducted several studies showing that expressing emotions and confiding past traumas boosts immunity and improves overall health. In the fall of 1983 Pennebaker and his colleague Sandra Beall conducted the first expressive writing experiment. Students were invited to write about different experiences for 4 consecutive days, 15 minutes each day. Some were told to write about trivial matters; the second group told to write about traumas they experienced in the past, not the feelings, only the facts; and the third group was asked to write about a past trauma including the facts and the feelings. Pennebaker and Beall were taken aback by the depth and emotion of the stories as well as the traumas students experienced. Family abuse, alcoholism, suicide attempts, divorce and pubic humiliation from the pens of eighteen-year olds. It was noted the third group had experienced increased blood pressure and felt upset in the days following the exercise. However, six months later, this group experienced less illness, made far fewer visits to the health center than the other groups and felt a sense of resolution about the traumas they revealed.
There have been countless studies done by Pennebaker and others since, these studies examine the effects of expressive writing on physical health and/or biological outcomes. We now know that concealing or holding back powerful emotions, thoughts, and behaviors, is itself stressful. Further, people who suppress emotions also tend to have higher levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, and lower immunity to illness.
As a Type C coper I know the struggle with expressing emotions is real. Others might see you as a logical, rational person who always keeps their cool. We often respond to situations with "I'm fine", when, really, we are not fine.
The first step of expression begins on the page. Dedicating time to write down our feelings, traumas, hurts, emotions is both an act of processing these memories as well as an opening to create a new narrative moving forward. In her new book Narrative Healing: Awaken the Power of Your Story, Lisa Weinert guides readers through a six-stage cycle of of healing through storytelling. Learning to express yourself in writing gives you an opportunity to "listen to the body when it whispers, then we don't have to wait for it to scream to hear what it has to say." Said differently, expressing our feelings and emotions is good for our overall health.
Be Assertive in Relationship
You might go out of your way to do things for the people in your life, based on what you assume they want or need. You give up your time and energy to get them to like you. Asserting yourself in relationship, asking for what you need, does not mean someone else has to go without. Not speaking up about what you want, even when it comes to simple things like what movie to watch, can eventually lead to frustration and resentment.
For me the beginning of being assertive started with the practice of saying "No". First thing I noticed was the world did not end, my relationships did not end, people did not reject me. In fact, I learned that my lack of assertiveness made me untrustworthy. Ouch. That was a catalyst for change. Here are a few tips from Positive Psychology to begin the practice of saying No.
Give yourself permission. Remember that it’s okay to say ‘no.’ No. It is a full scentence.
Be honest. Don’t search for or invent an excuse. If you can, say why you are refusing; if not, simply say ‘no.’
Refuse the request, not the person. Be specific about what it is you are saying ‘no’ to.
Be timely. Do not hesitate; be quick, direct, and succinct.
Commit to ‘no.’ If the other person is overly persistent, clarify that you are committed to your refusal. For example, “I have already decided that I can’t do that. Trying to push me will not change my decision.”
Dr. Rick Hanson's work is a doorway to learning. He discusses How to Effectively Communicate What You Want in his Being Well Podcast. He also dedicates a whole chapter to the subject in his recent book, Making Great Relationships, which I highly recommend.
Find Inner Harmony
Developing healthy boundaries is an important step in finding inner harmony. The next time you are tempted to intervene for the sake of others, consider the following:
Is it something you want to do?
Will you have to sacrifice your own needs, wants or desires?
Will the action you take make you feel happy or resentful?
Can you challenge yourself to wait to be asked for help?
Inserting ourselves to "fix" others or letting others have their way might seem like a way to facilitate harmony. There’s nothing wrong with having concern for others, but not at the risk of inner harm. We can be kind without having to with being nice or feeling we need to make them happy. Being happy is an inside job. When we find ourselves editing or altering words and behaviors for the sake of another person’s feelings or reactions, we create dis-harmony.
I remember one client having a wide-eyed ah-ha! moment when she realized that her family role as harmony maker actually created dis-harmony in herself, her husband and her children. "Ha", she contemplated. "I’m bucking the definition of harmony. Being in harmony with myself, my spirit, my beliefs means I need to speak up. I've had this counterintuitive expression of harmony. There was this false sense that the payoff of keeping harmony on the outside felt like everyone is happy and everything is good, there is no conflict. Ha!", she snickered, shaking her head. "The cost was a disconnect between all of us! So much resentment. For me this resentment leads to me not being able to listen to my body because i’m holding everything in. My body is being weighted down. This fake harmony created disharmony in my family. It made us drift father apart. Me drift from the people I care about. Including myself!"
Fight Fair
Do you dislike conflict? Maybe you find it downright terrifying and avoid it as much as possible. How about anger? Do you fear anger? This is pretty logical to me. Anger means, “I’m not happy.” So if your goal is to keep people happy, anger means you’ve failed at pleasing them.
What is the cost of avoiding conflict? Of suppressing anger?
To avoid anger, maybe you rush to apologize or do whatever you think will make them happy, even when they’re not (yet) angry with you. You might also fear conflict so much that you insert yourself in situations that have nothing to do with you. This is pretty normal Type C coping. Perhaps you struggle to bring up feelings of frustration and express them through passive-aggression instead or suppress them entirely.
Here's the thing, it's okay to express when someone hurts you. It's okay to be on your own side, show yourself self-respect. Fair fighting is a way to manage conflict and associated feelings effectively. I found some basic guidelines about Fighting Fair from the UT Southwestern Employee Assistance Program. (Note: It's worth a full read.)
Express feelings in words, not actions. Telling someone directly and honestly how you feel can be a very powerful form of communication. If you start to feel so angry or upset that you feel you may lose control, take a "time out" and do something to help yourself regroup - take a walk, do some deep breathing, play with the dog, do the dishes - whatever works for you. Remember to set a time that same day when the two of you can meet again to discuss the issue without the conversation becoming emotionally volatile.
Be specific about what is bothering you. Vague complaints are hard to work on. The more specific, the better. Deal with only one issue at a time. Don't introduce other topics until each is fully discussed. This avoids the "kitchen sink" effect where people throw in all their complaints without really resolving anything.
Avoid accusations. Accusations will cause others to get defensive. Instead, talk about how someone's actions made you feel. Don't generalize. Avoid words like "never" or "always." Such generalizations are usually inaccurate and can make an already tense situation even worse.
Don't stockpile. Storing up lots of grievances and hurt feelings over time can be counterproductive. It's almost impossible to deal with numerous old problems for which interpretations may differ. Try to deal with problems as they arise.
Avoid clamming up. When one person becomes silent and stops responding to the other, frustration and anger can result. Positive results can only be attained with two-way communication.
Learning to work through disagreements productively will usually benefit both you and your relationships, not harm them (or you!).
The bottom line.
When we don't or can’t express our needs and bottle up anger or frustration, we generally end up feeling denied, resentful, or unwanted. If this pattern continues, it can be hard to imagine things changing, which can contribute to hopelessness, self-criticism, low feelings and even depression. If you struggle with depression or hopelessness or find it difficult to share your emotions with others, a therapist can offer guidance and help you explore factors contributing to these issues.
What I have come to understand is it is more important to look for our own human potential rather than label or conform into all those wonderful boxes that personality tests form for us. These are fantastic tools to bring awareness. From there it is up to us to decide what we need to contemplate from this knowing. What is our relationship to this information? How do we wish to move forward? And find the help we need to help us on our journey forward.
May you find your way out of the box and down the path of your very own type C transformation.